There are a lot of BS articles about all the new Texas laws going
into effect septiembre primero.
I confess. I was triggered! Headlines like "200 New Texas Laws" are enough to turn any Libertarian’s stomach because, as my favorite Libertarian Ronald Regan once said, “If a new
law is the answer, it’s a STUPID question.”
But maybe it’s not as bad as it
sounds; on quite a few points it’s actually better for freedom loving people
living in a land ruled by law. I'll be your little ray of sunshine and break some of them down in English y TexMex.
#1 Keep your thumbs on the Wheel: Just like the one they have in 47 other states that make America safe for flowers, children, and other living things by banning texting while driving; this is really a BS “tag on” law that will get
thrown on to your next equipment violation citation if the issuing officer is having a
bad cop day and sees a smartphone in your hand.
Think about this. How will this
be enforced? Plenty of other laws
already cover this crap. Duh.
STUPID LAW FACTOR: 7
#2 Mandatory Racial Profiling and Summary Execution of
Innocent Tourists: Ok, kidding---but
that’s how the teaming millions of virtue-signaling social-justice warriors
seem to be reacting to this stupid law. Basically, this law
just says cops can enforce stupid laws that already exists without regard to your
dumb-assed mayor’s stupid opinion on the matter.
One interesting aspect of this is that millions of the said SJWs seen lying in the
streets in protest over this non-law are overwhelmingly of Anglo Saxon descent. If I were an illegal alien, I’d want those guys the
hell off my team pronto! I’m giving this law the highest stupidity factor based on
redundancy alone.
STUPID LAW FACTOR: 11
#3 Lizzy Borden’s Law:
This is a Good Thing. After 8/1
it will once again be legal to have a Bowie knife in Texas. Yeah, I was a little surprised to find out
that this was ever illegal in the first place, but in the new slasher utopia of Texas you can carry swords, spears, and machetes
too! I got dizzy trying to parse this one. The whole thing is still pretty confusing; I think I can carry my claymore anywhere except a bar unless I’m on horseback and it's raining. My favorite thing about
this law is that it’s not a law at all. It’s the best thing you can do with a
stupid law. REPEAL IT!
STUPID LAW FACTOR: 0
(Not a new law. Un-Law. not stupid at all)
#4 That Pink Elephant Touched My Friend's Baghwahn LAW: This one is known as the Amnesty for Sex Assault
Witnesses law and basically says that you can beat a possession wrap if you
witness someone getting raped. I'm not making this up. Seriously
stupid law with a (probably unintended) side benefit of overriding other stupid
laws, e.g., We’d like to arrest you for having this joint, but since you are testifying
against Chester the molester there, well… Smoke up Johnny.” Probably a wash, so I’m giving it a wash.
STUPID LAW FACTOR: 5
#5 UBER UBER UBER LAW:
This one is another win against the idiot mayors who lost in law #4
above; however, in this boondoggle, the graft and corruption usually
perpetrated by goodoldboy.net was brought to bear on the innovative and
affordable industry of ride-sharing buy a bunch of politi-mobsters in Austin,
Dallas, and Houston in order to secure monopolies for their patrons in the cab
cartels. Again, Not hello new stupid
law, but goodbye old stupid law:
STUPID LAW FACTOR: 0 (No.
Nada. Not Stupid. Smart)
#6 Second Amendment Tax Reduction Law: I don’t know.
I guess if imposing a $140 tax on the second amendment was stupid,
reducing the tax to $40 is what… $100 less stupid?
STUPID LAW FACTOR: 7 (IT’S STILL STUPID, BUT NOW IT’S *CHEAP*
AND STUPID)
#7 David’s Law: This one just raises the penalty of an
existing stupid law from a Class B to a Class A misdemeanor for harassing somebody
on the internet if that person happens to be under 18. Another impossible to enforce law that won’t
do much besides make guys named David feel like even bigger losers than they
already do. Ha ha. Why are you hitting yourself David? Stop hitting yourself David!
STUPID LAW FACTOR: 5
#8 A Note from Epstein’s Mother In Law Law: This law seeks
to relax voter identification requirements to the point where a receipt for a six-pack
of bud light will get you a spot in line to cast your vote for the next round of jackasses,
malcontents, and ne’er-do-wells that the two major parties provide for your
consideration every other November. Meh.
STUPID LAW FACTOR: 6 (Just a little stupider than David’s
Law)
#9 Pick Each of Your Overlords Separately Law: More voter nonsense. This one bans “straight
party” voting and forces voters to look for the D or R next to each of the candidates’
names. A monumental waste of lawmaker time and money, but, as stupid laws go, I’ve
seen worse.
STUPID LAW FACTOR: 2
#10 LUCKY MILLIONAIRE'S RIGHT$:
So, if you win $1,000,000 or more in the Texas lottery, you can request that your identity be
withheld from the media. I give this one
a high stupidity rating for the exceptional misuse of specificity in
lawmaking. Win $999,999.99 and your ass
belongs to Chanel 5!
STUPID LAW FACTOR: 8
#11 Free Babysitting for Children of Heroes: Young children
of peace officers, firefighters, and emergency medical first responders who
were seriously injured or killed in the line of duty can attend state-funded
prekindergarten for free. I know I’ll get my name on the list over this one,
but since it takes money pilfered from the residents of Texas to pay for
something they don’t get---it’s just another socialist BS boondoggle. Unfortunately,
anybody who points this out will be hated as much as you probably hate me right
now. Oh, since you're already hating me, I forgot to mention that prekindergarten
is not a thing.
STUPID LAW FACTOR: 10 (Communism kills, no matter who gets
the pesos.)
#12 Baby On Board Law: Officially, "The Civil Protection for
Good Samaritans," this law provides a defense to civil prosecution for anyone trying
to rescue a child, disabled or elderly person, ---or a pet from a locked car. Too specific. Could result in death of able
bodied people locked in cars. What about poodles locked in boats?
STUPID LAW FACTOR: 6
#13 Fetal Remains Law:
This one is over what to do with fetal remains and I’m not going to say
a damned word about it other than it’s a
perfect example of why all laws governing the practice of medicine are criminally stupid. The only new law I could support would be one banning all future laws regulating medicine that would impose stiff penalties for even bringing it up.
STUPID LAW FACTOR: (NO RATIONAL NUMBER AVAILABLE)
#14 Free Lunch for a Little
While Longer Law: This masterpiece of legislative wizardry extends the time
parents have to square up account’s with the lunch lady at the local public institutional
learning facility before the lunch lady can shame them and their spawn by offering a room-temperature pimento-cheese sandwich in
place of the piping hot gruel they ran up a tab on.
STUPID LAW FACTOR: 10 (STOP WITH THE COMMUNISM ALREADY!)
#15 Flying Cop Toys Only:
No drone flying over a prisons, ICE detention facilities, or stadiums unless
you are a cop with magic cop rights.
STUPID LAW FACTOR: 8
#16 Cops Lives Matter Law: Law enforcement officers now have
all the same special snowflake privileges afforded to the other teeming masses of underprivileged,
disadvantaged, and disabled people who are frantically trying to huddle and shiver in the same
safe space. Just when you think its as stupid as it can get, they kick it up a notch by extending the special
rights to the damage of a cops property.
This reminds me of a report I heard about some Satanists who
had to use diluted ammonia when they were not allowed to use actual human urine
in a public satanic ritual. Don’t ask me
how this reminds me of the other thing---it’s just like…---MY GOD! WHAT IS THIS COUNTRY COMING TO?
Even our Devil worshipers are pussies now.
STUPID LAW FACTOR: 10 (Because there is no such thing as an
indifference crime)
#17 Stupid Law for the Protection of the Stupid Stupid Law: High school seniors who fail up to two end-of-course exams required for
graduation will get a diploma anyway.
Recursive stupidity earns this law a factor of twenty-five, but I’m
dividing that by three, so…
STUPID LAW FACTOR: 6
#18 Various Other Laws: There is no 18. There are a few other wonderful new laws sure to usher in the age of Texas enlightment, but I’m even more
disillusioned by them than the first 17 I listed, so I’m not even going to
mention these other great new laws. Let’s just say they
averaged out to a solid 8.5 and let it go at that.
ALL THE OTHER STUPID LAWS STUPID LAW FACTOR AVERAGE FACTOR: 8.5
