Salad Dressing; FAQ 18: Deciding to Writing

Frequently asked question #18: What made you decide to become a writer?

I don’t think I ever did that.  In fact, I have decided to swear off writing several times, and it just never panned out.  Asking me to stop writing is like asking someone with diarrhea to stop defecating, and anyone who reads my stuff can tell you, sometimes it’s a lot more like that than anybody wants to admit.

I guess I have decided to give up not being a writer, so that might count as an answer, but I don't have any idea what made me do that either.  We could talk about some things that keep me writing, but I think I would still write if they were taken away somehow, so I'll borrow a page from the politician's handbook and avoid this question altogether by talking about something almost completely else---what I write.

By word count, I probably write a fairly even mix of creative and business stuff.  Some folks will say that business writing is not writing, but to this stage of my career, it’s where most of the money comes from.  I don’t enjoy business writing as much, and about the best I can say is that I don’t hate it.  Probably because most of the business writing I have to read seems to have been written by people that not only hate writing, but hate people!  When forced to proofread a proposal or users guide, I often feel that the writer not only hates people in general but they hate their readers in particular, and with such a bright purple passion that they will stop at nothing to thwart any effort one might make to comprehend the material it promises to contain. I have to consult a technical resource on the web when working with a major software vendor that shall remain nameless, but whose initials are IBM, that is so unhelpful, that it might actually be more helpful to consult the I Ching, or the back of a cereal box for that matter.

I do a lot of business and technical writing, but I have to cull ninety percent during the first revision because I always write stories, and nobody wants a quick-start guide with a plot twist at the end.  Step-by-step instructions are my forte in business writing because they have a beginning--middle--end structure, and once I dyke out all of the character building and sub-plotting, I usually wind up with something helpful. 

Business writing, especially in the information/technology field, is a different sort of animal.  Most of my readers are literate, but only by a narrow definition of the word.  One of the most accomplished computer programmers I ever had the pleasure to work with once told me, “I hate reading books.”  I’ve since come to understand that what most IT people mean when they say “I’m an avid reader.” Is that in addition to reading how-to and self-help books, they might have read the Dungeon Master’s Guide at some point.  If you try to tell these people stories, it better make them feel like Gandalf or you’ll lose them.  I always try to slip in a Balrog metaphor if I can.

Maybe my bigger problem with business writing is that, not only do I involuntarily write stories any time I try to write anything, I also write  involuntarily funny stories; and cover-sheets notwithstanding, the only thing that can derail a TPS report faster than a lengthy dénouement is slapstick.  I secretly believe that the world of tech writing would be much better off if it could incorporate a little more funny business, but I kind of gave up on that movement when I saw how the business world reacted to the best reform efforts of Saint John the Cleese.  As I usually do in the absence of any rational explanation, I’ve come to suspect darker forces at play. Humor and story might improve a reader’s chances for remembering the mundane details of technical writing, so---what if eliminating it from technical writing is an intentional measure taken by the Technorati to protect lucrative knowledge. 

OK, there’s probably no such thing as the Technorati, but if there is, I bet they have really geeky secret handshakes.